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Miscarriage: The spontaneous loss of a woman's pregnancy before the 20th week that can be both physically and emotionally painful.

There were about 36 hours between the moment we found out that our baby didn't have a heartbeat to my D&C procedure. When I think back on that time now it's just dark. I was pretty much in my bed crying. I spoke to my mom and sister, mother in law and sister and law- best girl friends. No one could say anything that would make me feel better. Matt just held me and let me cry. He said he was sad- but that it was worse for me because it was my body.

We arrived to the hospital where I would have been delivering my baby early morning for the procedure. When they called us back to prepare for surgery we had to ride in an elevator to another floor. I remember every part of the elevator-and I remember sobbing- thinking I was supposed to come here to bring life into this world- not to be having a dead fetus removed from my body. The nurses were nice to me and showed compassion for what I was going be having done. I remember going in for surgery and the doctor asking me to put my feet into the stirrups- and then I remember a dark room that I woke up in.

I woke up hysterically crying out of anesthesia. The recovery room nurse tried to calm me down- but I just begged for my husband. Reluctantly, she had someone find Matt to sit with me. I wasn't in an area they allowed visitors... but she had a heart and knew what I needed- I am grateful. I wasn't in much pain and I didn't experience heavy bleeding. Matt took me home once I was cleared and I spent the rest of the day quiet.

There were about three months in between my miscarriage and trying for another baby. It was summertime. I was just sad. My mom would say " oh don't worry- you will get pregnant again and have a baby." She miscarried before she had me- so I wanted to believe her. But I was so fearful that maybe Matt and I wouldn't be able to have babies. I was terrified of having to experience miscarriage again. And I was grieving the life we lost.

1 in 4 women experience miscarriage. It's crazy that pregnancy loss is that common. As I write about my miscarriage now- 6 years later- on world rainbow baby day- it still feels sad. When my grandmother died when I was 24, my aunt told me that when someone close to you passes you lose a little of yourself with them. I could relate to that losing my nanny as we called her. I related to it even more when I lost our first baby.

As I try to pull for something uplifting to end this post with- I just can't. Miscarriage is sad and it's unfortunate for any woman who has to experience it. I've told friends in the past that my sadness of my miscarriage didn't lift until I was pregnant again. And this is true- but the truth is I think a woman carries a miscarriage with her for the rest of her life. Therapy teaches us to process it and put it away in a box on a shelf where you know what will fly out of it if you chose to open it- this also is true. But it is just sad and an experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

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May 22

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